Feb 2012 25

Asking For Permission.

It’s so basic, yet so powerful.

It’s like a magic wand—you ask for permission, and mediation participants will let you say or do almost anything and they won’t take offense.

So when I’m getting ready to float a creative but unconventional idea by the couple, I’ll ask, “I’ve got a kind of crazy idea, but I think it might actually work. Would you like to hear it?”

Or, “I’m really going out on the skinny branch here, but I can’t help but notice something that I think would really turn this mediation session around.  Do I have your permission to bring it up?”

This is contrasted with just jumping in with a suggestion or solution.  If you jump in without permission, you might succeed, and you might fail, but without the preface of “this might be sort of odd” and “is that okay?” you stand a much higher chance of offending the participants.

A side benefit to asking permission is that it models good behavior. Instead of just blurting something out, you’re asking for permission to say it.  For a couple that has been fighting, this is good role modeling. It’s got built in positive reinforcement, too, because almost everyone gives you permission to say what you have on your mind once you ask.

I’ve found that this is true even when I’ve had to preface a comment with “I’m a little concerned that you’ll be offended at this.  If you are, please let me know.”

Or, my favorite, “This next thing I’m going to say is what usually gets me fired.”  That line always gets a laugh…..but it’s true.  So I finally amended, “You need to get a job,” to “There are 2 ways to get more money:  spend less, or earn more.”  The second is actually a much more productive statement.  It gives the client a choice between peanut butter and jelly and getting a job.  It keeps the decisions in their hands.

But I still ask for permission.

Diana Mercer is the co-author of Making Divorce Work: 8 Essential Keys to Resolving Conflict and Rebuilding Your Life (Perigee 2010). Join the conversation and community on our video blog and check out Diana’s divorce blog on the Huffington Post

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