Sep 2011 22

Forrest Mosten, known affectionately as Woody Mosten, is one of the country’s top mediation trainers.  I visited his office awhile back and he took me on a tour of his mediation office and talked a little bit about why he set his office up as he did.

I know it might sound like over-kill, but mediators need to be very mindful of how their offices are set up because setting the intention for clients is very important.

What does your office say about you?

Does the Class AAA space say that clients are paying your rent? or does your modest address tell clients that you don’t care about details?

Do the files and file boxes everywhere in the conference room tell clients that you will treat their file in the same way, with papers strewn about and their names written on files and boxes for everyone to see? Or does your lack of paper and files in your office tell clients that you aren’t very busy, and as a result that you aren’t very good?

Oh how I wish I knew the answers to these questions!

I used to feel like putting all my diplomas on the wall was stupid, and like bragging.  Besides, I’d written a book!  I didn’t need to explain my credentials to anyone.

Ah, youth!

Then I went to the dentist. He was putting a crown on my tooth. This was my first major dental work (thanks to my father being a dentist and working on the team that developed Crest toothpaste!) and I was scared.  I looked up at the wall and saw the certificates, awards, continuing education program completition certificates and membership in professional organizations and immediately felt better. My dentist cares about what he does! He keeps up with his continuing education! He is involved with professional organizations!  He’s a mindful practitioner!  What a relief.

So I went back to the office and put up my own “wall of fame.”  After all, we’re dealing with one of life’s most important transitions, and people’s futures.  As divorce mediators, we deal with everything people give a care about in the entire world–their children, their savings, their hopes and dreams for their marriage or partnership…..so I can put a few certificates on the way to silently say that I care and that I believe in what I do.

Diana Mercer is the co-author of Making Divorce Work: 8 Essential Keys to Resolving Conflict and Rebuilding Your Life (Perigee 2010). Join the conversation and community on our video blog and check out Diana’s divorce blog on the Huffington Post

Sep 2011 12

Project Vic:  This is the next in an ongoing series of videos where I blog about my own efforts to walk my talk as a mediator and mend my relationship with my dad. It’s one thing to be a terrific mediator when you’re with strangers dealing with a problem you’re not living with, and quite another to apply those skills when you get home to your family.

 I’m going to update Project Vic, for better or worse, about once a week.  I went to see my dad January 27-30, 2011 and  he even agreed to be a guest blogger!

So stay tuned, and wish me luck!

Not sure why my hand is shaking…except that I’m talking to my 83 year old dad after 6 months of family war. I even had to hire an attorney because he threatened to sue me. Fantastic.  So this is the first time we’re seeing each other after all of that trauma and drama, and I think we’re both relieved that the worst seems to be behind us.

Mediating your own dispute is HARD! What I finally realized, however, is that what he was worried about with my mom’s trust was probably the opposite of what my brother and I were worried about with my mom’s trust.  It wasn’t easy, but I sat down at the kitchen table in his house and I asked him, “What’s your worst fear with all of this?”  And he told me he was afraid he’d need to get at some of the trust money and that he’d need to ask me every single time, like I was giving him permission to get at his own money.

My suspicion was right.  I was not worried at all that he’d over spend or go crazy.  My dad is about as tight as it gets. My brother and I were worried about being disinherited (seriously–it had gotten that bad).  So all of the fighting wasn’t really necessary since we were concerned about 2 different things. Opposite things, in fact.

All it took was a serious conversation. A frank conversation. An honest conversation.  And a difficult conversation, of course.  We’d been going through lawyers for a couple of months and hadn’t managed to talk, so I’m not trying to diminish how hard it was to sit down and talk with him one on one about this. He might be 83 but he can be a pretty intimidating guy and heaven knows he’s stubborn. Must be where I got it….LOL.

Like so many of the 8 Keys to Resolving Conflict it was something which was simple, but not easy.  Like so many things in life. 

Diana Mercer is the co-author of Making Divorce Work: 8 Essential Keys to Resolving Conflict and Rebuilding Your Life (Perigee 2010). Join the conversation and community on our video blog and check out Diana’s divorce blog on the Huffington Post

 

 

Sep 2011 08

Author Gary Young talks about writing his new play, On Hold: The Myth of Male Maturity, at the Independent Writers of Southern California gathering (IWOSC).

I find the writing process fascinating. Everyone seems to do it differently, yet the end product is a book, a play, a script….Gary is also the author of Loss And Found: How We Survived the Loss of a Young Spouse.

There are a lot of interesting people who attend the IWOSC meetings.  Dues are inexpensive and there’s always something interesting going on.

Diana Mercer is the co-author of Making Divorce Work: 8 Essential Keys to Resolving Conflict and Rebuilding Your Life (Perigee 2010). Join the conversation and community on our video blog and check out Diana’s divorce blog on the Huffington Post

Mar 2011 21

Project Vic isn’t going well. My own efforts to walk my talk as a mediator and mend my relationship with my dad have taken a rocky turn on Thanksgiving.

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Mar 2011 17

Attorney Kelley Finan explains how collaborative divorce works

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